Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
President Madonna to Wed Again
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"