Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire
The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.
| National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic. |
| Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat |
| Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign |
| Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected |
| Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far. |
| Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices" |
| Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries. |
| Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!" |
| Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly |
| Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts |
| Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below" |
| Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine. |
| US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off" |
| So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T. |
| Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched" |
| Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters |
| Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu |
| Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence" |
| India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit. |
| New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave. |
| Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!" |
| Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage |
| New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits |
| Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer." |
| Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter. |
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