Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
President Madonna to Wed Again
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"