Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
President Madonna to Wed Again
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.