Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
President Madonna to Wed Again
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.