Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
President Madonna to Wed Again
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory