Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
President Madonna to Wed Again
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat