Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
President Madonna to Wed Again
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"