Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
President Madonna to Wed Again
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.