Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
President Madonna to Wed Again
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat