Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
President Madonna to Wed Again
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits