Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
President Madonna to Wed Again
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"