Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
President Madonna to Wed Again