Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign