Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
President Madonna to Wed Again
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"