Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

President Madonna to Wed Again
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage