Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
President Madonna to Wed Again
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1