Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1