Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage