Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
President Madonna to Wed Again