Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
President Madonna to Wed Again
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"