Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.