Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.