Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting