Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
President Madonna to Wed Again
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"