Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
President Madonna to Wed Again
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."