Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
President Madonna to Wed Again
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"