Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
President Madonna to Wed Again