Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
President Madonna to Wed Again
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"