Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"