Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
President Madonna to Wed Again
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.