Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

President Madonna to Wed Again
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"