Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
President Madonna to Wed Again
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"