Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.