Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic.
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign