Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Lovestruck Man Uses Giant Hologram to Append "Y" to the Famous HOLLYWOOD Sign
US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off"
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Facebook Page Showing Facebook Founder's Sex Tapes Shut Down--Woman in Video Seen Texting
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below"
Prozac Factory Leakage Affects Nearby Meat Packing Plant: 1,000,000 Happy Meals Served
New mousetrap hunts mice. Most mice so spooked they just leave.
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home.
India outsources telemarketing jobs to US. American employees will be "named" Rajesh and Amit.
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T.
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1