Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire
The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.
| National Identity Chip Recall. 4,000,000 people must have defective chips surgically removed. 1st 250K get anesthetic. |
| Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory |
| Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched" |
| Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices" |
| President Madonna to Wed Again |
| Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly |
| Stadium Seatwarmers Recalled for Exploding Batteries--Dubbed "The Fire Down Below" |
| Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts |
| Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries. |
| Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far. |
| California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People |
| Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!" |
| So many Smartphone apps installed, updates consume almost all available bandwidth. Just enough left for old-style texting like R U OK--or F U AT&T. |
| Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order. |
| Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1 |
| RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean." |
| Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter. |
| Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!" |
| US Apologizes to Canada for Nuke Snafu, Adds "Hey, it's not like it went off" |
| Damaged Multiplex Theater Reopens When Employee Brings Bigger Screen from Home. |
| Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire" |
| Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer." |
| New Oil Spills Off West Coast--More Exploding Seagulls Over Beach Fire Pits |
| Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters |
| Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence" |
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