Headlines from the Dysfunctional Future of Naught for Hire

The future of Naught for Hire is comically (sometimes) dysfunctional, a future filled by technology built by mega-corporations focused solely on the bottom line. Numerous appliances are built with AIs that exhibit an array of personality disorders.

Intelligence-enhanced Turkeys Surprise Hunters. "Hey, watch where you're putting that meat thermometer."
Fast Food Franchise Announces "Low-Fat" Meals with New Secret Sauce: Phentermine.
Flash Mob Using Laser Pointers on White House Puts USA on Defcon 1
Rampage Triggered When Auto-Tattoo Machine Glitch Gives Biker Giant Barney Tat
Wal-Mart Owned by Day Traders After Giant NASDAQ Snafu
Astronomical Twofer: Hubble Telescope Falls to Earth--Destroys Palomar Observatory
Violence at Seniors Political Protest: Grannies Gone Wild Gets Ugly
Off-Duty Cop Shoots 3D Lobby Ad for Lethal Weapon 8: "I thought I was under fire"
Shots Fired at PC: Woman Taken Away Repeating "No, I said you can't install updates!"
California Bankrupt After Lottery Snafu Awards Grand Prize to Thousands of People
Road Maintenance Machine Lays Speed Bumps Across Santa Monica Freeway. Cars Lodged in Overpasses.
Roomba Lawnmower Runs Amuck--Mows "Bite Me" in Giant Letters
Blazing Saddles Vandals Spike Metropolitan Opera Drinks--Dubbed "Concerto in B-Flatulence"
Photored Camera Malfunction--No Pics of Red Light Runners, Just Cleavage
Another Air Crash: NTSB Says Flying Still Safer Than Lawn Darts
Man Testing Diet Drug and Muscle Builder Looks Like Popeye. Even Has Stutter.
RoboSanta Caught Groping Patrons at Dance Club. "But only the naughty ones. Ho Ho Ho, if you know what I mean."
Tanker Truck Autopilots Hacked. Gigantic Collision Produces Massive Mix of Chocolate and Strawberries.
Eight Cars Go Over Grand Canyon Rim Before GPS Map Error Corrected
Teen Shot in Bar. Blames Ringtone "You talkin' to me?"
Robocaller Ignores List and Keeps Calling People with "Soothing Voices"
Toy Gun Factory Raid Embarrasses FBI: "They looked so realistic "--Surviving worker says "Man, were we outmatched"
Vandals Send Prank-Email Scary Images to Car Heads-Up Displays. Five Crashes and a Stroke so far.
Defective GPS Units Are Surprising Hit With Masochists. "I SAID turn right, jerkwad!"
Robot Sex Doll Files Restraining Order.